Signs and Factors of Addictive Relationships
The Partner is seen as the solution, not the problem, even when everyone else – friends and family disagree.
“I felt like I had found my soul mate, and things were idyllic. I felt like he completed me. Eventually, I felt like my partner couldn’t live without me, and I felt necessary to his happiness. I was scared of what would happen if I left.”
Addictive relationships start out as feeling euphoric and ideal. If they were not so initially satisfying, they wouldn’t become so incredibly all consuming. Physiological changes contribute to initial high felt early on in intense relationships. Levels of the chemical Phenylethylamine (PEA) are higher in the brain with the onset of feelings of love and attraction. Some love addicts become dependent on the chemical high of PEA. PEA causes the release of even greater amounts of Dopamine, and Norepinephrine both neurotransmitters are connected to the heightened feelings of infatuation, sexual drive and physiological stimulation and intensity.
Dependency and Denial
Since the addict spends most of their time focused on their perceived connection to the other person, they cannot maintain once important relationships that exist outside of that relationship. This is the isolating nature of addiction and co-dependency. Drama with the partner is mistaken for intensity and intimacy. Addiction is the opposite of reality and true intimacy.
Preoccupation and obsession are displayed through the inability to disconnect from the love object, demonstrated through endless texting, jealousy, paranoia, threats, or the perception of threats. The addict needs constant reassurance that the partner will not leave; both want the fantasy to remain intact. Often, the partner is afraid to leave for fear of retribution, or failure.
Maintaining the fantasy that things are good in the relationship is motivated by the fear that that others will realize that things are in fact not OK. Underlying this fear is a great deal of denial and fear of failure. Denial can be most evident when the love addict or codependent says, “Nothing is wrong with me” or “I don’t have a problem”. Often they aren’t aware of their feelings; moreover they are experts when it comes to solving other people’s problems, in order to avoid the pain of facing one’s own.
Loss
These types of relationships bring co-dependency to the forefront. In its simplest form Co-dependency is a one-sided relationship without boundaries. Since boundaries need to be enforced to exist, often the co-dependent cannot risk the rejection of being assertive and enforcing their agenda. The control a co-dependent feels when helping others helps them feel secure. That is part of the addiction for the co-dependent. The perception that they can control the person “with the problem” enables them to ignore their own problems by temporarily boosting feelings of self-esteem and confidence. It’s a “helping disease” where putting others’ problems ahead of ones’ own becomes most important. The greatest form of loss with co-dependency is the loss of self.
How to Write an Intervention Letter
As you may or may not know, an Intervention Letter is one of the most important components of the intervention. It acts as a script for friends or family to keep the intervention on track. No matter what type of intervention you choose, it is the foundation of all things to come.
Although the main purpose of the letter is to ask your loved one to get help and break through denial, there are three main components to the letter. Overall, it should not be more than two pages, and it can be as short as a half-page to two pages. Unless you are ending your message with “We are asking you to commit to getting help today.” avoid speaking for the group, and use “I” statements. This is important for two main reasons: One, to make your message sound clear and powerful, and two, to avoid a blaming or judgmental tone. The tone should never sound angry or recriminating, turning the atmosphere to one of conflict will most certainly derail the intervention.
I will use the term addict for the remainder of these examples, but this term is not meant to sound pejorative. The word addict simply defines a person with compulsivity and a need to continue using the “high” from a person, activity, thing or substance to escape pain. Addiction implies that over time, the involvement with this thing or person has become damaging on a mental and emotional level, and despite these adverse consequences, the addict cannot understand the threat to their own psychological, emotional, and or physical health, and cannot give up the addiction.
Addiction is characterized by loss of control, and loss of many things in the person’s life. Since end of the letter is always a request to seek help now. One way to ask for this is to reframe the loss of the addiction with an emphasis on the return to the relationships with people and things that the addict feels he or she has lost. Reclaiming the self is the greatest gift of recovery, and the beginning of that road is a wish to feel loved, to feel that the true healing of these relationships is possible.
Compassion is the greatest tool you can offer the addict in this moment. The nature of an addiction is so isolating, that there is an enormous fear of never being able to “return home" from an addiction.
With that said, the letter should contain a brief introduction, with a reference to your relationship, and your general feelings of love and respect. Next, the body of the letter is comprised of the nature of your love for the person. This can be expressed as love, gratitude and compassion, and actual examples or stories (memories, shared emotional bonds) that illustrate this sentiment.
We then have to move on to the seriousness of the situation. Restrain yourself from finger pointing and labeling, rather allow yourself to express how you’ve come to see how the attachment to the person or thing is causing significant problems in the addict’s life. Then bring in examples of how their behavior has affected him/her and your relationship with the addict.
The end of the letter will be to ask your loved one to get help, along the lines of “Will you accept our offer to get help now?", to participate in whatever plan or program you have lined up. This offer must be followed up with the consequences of not doing the recommended course of treatment. This is one of the greatest challenges for friends and family. Creating boundaries means enforcing consequences, and that means communication clearly the action that you will take immediately following the intervention.
Recognizing Sex Addiction and Intimacy Disorders in Women
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is the Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee, Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles.
In this well-written and insightful article, he lists the five signs of addictive and unhealthy romantic behaviors found in women struggling with intimacy and sexual disorder.
1. Consistently using dating, seduction, sexual experiences and romance as a primary means of feeling loved and valuable.
2. A painful history of short, unsatisfying failed relationships where having sex or only feeling loved during sex is the primary bond
3. An inability to remain sober from drugs or alcohol addictions related to romantic intrigue, fear of being alone and related sexual behavior patterns fused with alcohol/drug abuse.
4. Acting out BDSM or other fetish behaviors in secret with casual or anonymous partners, while in a separate primary relationship
5. Using porn, masturbation and online sexual/romantic connections in lieu of a meaningful social and recreational life.
Here is a link the the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-weiss/women-and-pornography
If you have found yourself engaging in behaviors that jeopardize your integrity, and leave you feeling confused and let down, you may be struggling with compulsive behaviors that you can learn to control. As a CSAT Candidate, I take a compassionate and firm stance to help those in crisis, working with where you you now find yourself. Together, we will integrate resources and support to allow you to work through this painful time.
For more information on how I treat compulsive and addictive behavioral addictions for individuals, couples and partners, please contact me at 206-489-3544.
Finding Support For Your Chicago Divorce
Why I Created This List
Honestly, I don't think anyone really wants to get divorced. They might want or need to get out of a unhappy marriage, but no one really wants to experience the intense fear, the general sadness - the enormous hassle - the seemingly unending stream of decisions that need to be made. It's an intensely challenging time, when we aren't exactly acting as our most high-functioning selves.
As a therapist, I work with people going through divorce as a person of support, an advocate, and as a guide; to reframe emotions and behavior to make sense of the process and the self,and to empower clients to stay whole during this sometimes fragmenting experience.
By the time I meet most of my clients, most have already assembled their professional "team", and have made those difficult decisions.
Here are some divorce resources in Chicago that I've handpicked. With the exception of one firm that I am recommending, I have personally met each of these men and women. I’ve found them to not only be warm, open, and responsive to my questions, but very forthcoming about their personal reasons for doing what they do. They’ve built their careers on achieving solid results with clients over time.
However, the reason I’m recommending them has as much to do with their personal reasons for doing what they do—reasons that stem from helping men and women to navigate through difficult life transitions—having the best options, advice, and support around the issues of money, home, children, and your future. I believe that going above and beyond means making what you do accessible, and having empathy for the changes facing your client.
Since this list is ongoing, depending on your needs, I can be available to make recommendations for other individuals, or firms that are not yet included. And since I started this process about 5 years ago, I am always looking to add good people to the list.
Financial Advisors
SUSAN CARR-TEMPLETON is an Oak Brook-based financial planner and wealth manager with more than 20 years of investing experience. With a fee-based model, she also works with clients in DuPage and Hinsdale, Illinois. In addition to managing Stafford Wells Advisors, Ms. Carr-Templeton volunteers on the investment committee for the Advocate Foundation. She offers personal finance on investing, saving, retirement, and more in “Making the Most of Your Money.”
KATIE NESTLERODE is a Financial Advisor responsible for providing investment and wealth planning advice to individuals and families and their trusts, estates, foundations, endowments, and pension plans. In conjunction with Bernstein Global Wealth Management Group, she provides counsel to clients and their professional advisors on a variety of matters, including tax and estate planning, multigenerational asset allocation, individual and corporate retirement planning, and the sale of closely held businesses.
Lawyers
GEMMA B. ALLEN. A heartfelt plea to help her mother's friend with a complex high-stakes divorce led Gemma B. Allen to dedicate most of her professional career to family law. Though an advocate for marriage, she has long understood that, when a marriage breaks down irreconcilably, a client needs strong counsel and caring support with the least amount of stress on the children. Gemma combines her unique brand of strategic thinking and compassion with effective advocacy in the courtroom to successfully represent the firm's clients.
Like her law partner RON LADDEN, Gemma is a native of Chicago. Together they established Ladden & Allen, Chartered, in 1999 to offer professional, caring, and accessible representation in the areas of marriage, divorce, mediation, financial settlements, and custody matters. Prior to starting this firm, she was a partner at McDermott, Will & Emery and co-head of the divorce division at another prominent Chicago law firm.
PATRICK MARKEY. He approaches every case in a straightforward manner in order to achieve the most efficient results for his clients. He recognizes that every client has unique circumstances and handles each case differently, but always with the client’s goals in mind. He settles cases in a traditional or collaborative fashion when appropriate and, when not, he is always prepared to take the case to trial.
His work includes every aspect of representation necessary in family law matters such as contested court proceedings, complex financial negotiation, and complicated custody disputes. Patrick has represented other lawyers, physicians, corporate executives, small business owners, stay-at-home mothers, and other professionals in their divorce. Patrick currently serves on the Executive Board of the Young Lawyers Section of Chicago Bar Association. Prior to this position he was Co-Chair of the YLS Family Law Section of the Chicago Bar Association. In 2009, he received a certificate in mediation after completing 40 hours of training for same. He also was admitted as a fellow of the Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois in 2009. (312) 726-3751.
JOHN ROKACZ & ASSOCIATES. My own attorney, John Rokacz, has been an attorney for about 40 years, and is well versed in the more traditional aspects of family law, and yet was very supportive of mediation as process. He fully informed me of my rights, according to the law, and was extremely thorough. I was very impressed with his advice, which was practical and at the same time, respectful of my wishes. In particular, he understood that I knew my relationship with my soon-to-be ex better than anyone.
KAREN COVY. Karen A. Covy is a well-known Chicago lawyer, author and speaker. Since opening her own law firm in 1995, Karen has focused a substantial part of her practice in the area of family law, handling cases involving divorce, custody, parentage, and related issues. She is also the author of a fantastic book entitled When Happily Ever After Ends. Not only is the book filled with real life scenarios, but it also serves as a legal self-help guide. When I had only a week to go before getting hitched, she helped me to craft a pretty pre-nup. She helped me to understand that it was okay to make some demands.
JILL M. METZ & ASSOCIATES. I do not have personal experience with this firm, but I’ve heard great things about Jill M. Metz & Associates. I did some research, and in Chicago, they seem to be the most comprehensive, in terms of the culture of the firm, and their understanding and commitment to serving the needs of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community. They have been doing it for thirty years, they’re right on Broadway, and they have worked with clients all over Chicago and the surrounding communities. This firm also seems like a great place to start if you’re looking to start a family, or need to do some estate planning.
PETER OLSON, of Olson Law Firm. Peter Olson is a strategic thinker, who has a very approachable and accessible professional style. His practice has a “pro-family” disposition that emphasizes the rights and the well-being of children, as well as actively supporting the parents. His compassion and dedication when working with divorce cases is transparent, and I believe that his sensitivity to clients, as well as the various complexities of divorce cases would be beneficial to the divorce process.
Peter Olson founded his Chicago-based law practice in 2005 following three years of working at two small suburban Chicago law firms. He advocates on behalf of individuals, families, and children during adoption, dissolution of marriage, and parentage cases often involving child custody, intricate property issues, the elderly, and persons with disabilities. He also represents condominium associations and works as an arbitrator within Cook County’s Mandatory Arbitration Program. Peter is an Allied Attorney with the Alliance Defense Fund where he provides pro bono representation on behalf of persecuted Christians. He’s a graduate of both Winona State University (MN) and the Southern Illinois University School of Law. He edits a law practice management blog at: SoloinChicago.com.
Coaches
VALENCIA RAY, M.D., president of Collaborative Change Catalysts LLC, was an eye surgeon and successful business owner for over 20 years before selling her medical practice to now help corporate leaders and entrepreneurs eliminate "cataracts of the mind and heart" that block them from seeing their true potential. She is a rare blend of inspirational speaker, facilitator/trainer and business/life integration coach with background training in science and real life experience. Valencia inspires others to expand the vision for their life to live more joyfully and reclaim their passion, purpose, and peace by living as their Authentic Self. Although Valencia works with many business leaders and professionals, she also works with many individuals looking for deeper insight into their true potential.
Therapists
GLORIA SCHMORR. When I went through my divorce, my husband and I were terrified about telling our children, and Gloria Schmorr, Ph.D, LCSW was recommended to us. She has over thirty years of experience with children, adolescents, and adults. She truly gave us the confidence we needed to perform this difficult task. On her website, she has a section called "Strengthening Families," where she explains how she provides "Realistic treatment approaches" to meet the needs of "intact families, single parents, and step-families." Although there are lots of great therapists out there who treat a variety of problems well, her expertise in this area was exactly what we needed.
Mediators
BEVERLY TARR. Beverly is an expert in the true sense of the word. She's smart and well versed in the real-life hardcore issues you're facing. Beverly has a firm grasp of finances, but is aware of how to handle the psychological dynamics of couples. She also knows how to not play favorites, and get to the heart of the matter. The facts speak for themselves. On Beverly's webpage she states,
". . . I have conducted over 500 mediations with 90% of cases reaching an agreement…The swift and confidential nature of mediation also ensures parties avoid excessive costs, stress and adverse publicity often generated in court. The parties are able to get closure and certainty as to the outcome. It is my practice not to involve the children during any stage of the mediation and therefore avoid them being drawn into the divorce process."
Collaborative Practitioners
CARL MICHAEL ROSSI deeply believes in Collaborative Practice. He's an an experienced attorney, a mediator and a therapist who practices as a mediator, a divorce coach and as an attorney. His commitment to this work is profound, but he seems motivated by a desire to bring a peaceful change to the traditionally litigious arena of divorce.
MARGARET ZULEGER, Family Law Attorney. Her practice areas are as follows: Child Custody, Divorce, Maintenance, Parenting Time, Post Decree and Collaborative Law.
BETH I. WILNER, PhD. Works out of Skokie and is the founder of Families In Transition (FIT), a comprehensive psychology practice offering a wide range of clinical, advocacy, and conflict resolution services. Individual, couple and group therapies are offered addressing a broad range of issues and concerns, including: mood and anxiety disorders, eating disorders, relationship problems, marital distress, substance abuse and behavioral addictions, and health behavioral change.
The next person who am including in this group is NICOLE J. ROMITO. She is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ Professional and a Certified Financial Divorce Planner (CFDP). She appears to have a straightforward, clear, and easy-to-understand approach, and is very personable. She is very active with the Collaborative Law community and is the founder of an organization, Chicago Women Connecting Women.
They are all members of the Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois.