Signs and Factors of Addictive Relationships
The Partner is seen as the solution, not the problem, even when everyone else – friends and family disagree.
“I felt like I had found my soul mate, and things were idyllic. I felt like he completed me. Eventually, I felt like my partner couldn’t live without me, and I felt necessary to his happiness. I was scared of what would happen if I left.”
Addictive relationships start out as feeling euphoric and ideal. If they were not so initially satisfying, they wouldn’t become so incredibly all consuming. Physiological changes contribute to initial high felt early on in intense relationships. Levels of the chemical Phenylethylamine (PEA) are higher in the brain with the onset of feelings of love and attraction. Some love addicts become dependent on the chemical high of PEA. PEA causes the release of even greater amounts of Dopamine, and Norepinephrine both neurotransmitters are connected to the heightened feelings of infatuation, sexual drive and physiological stimulation and intensity.
Dependency and Denial
Since the addict spends most of their time focused on their perceived connection to the other person, they cannot maintain once important relationships that exist outside of that relationship. This is the isolating nature of addiction and co-dependency. Drama with the partner is mistaken for intensity and intimacy. Addiction is the opposite of reality and true intimacy.
Preoccupation and obsession are displayed through the inability to disconnect from the love object, demonstrated through endless texting, jealousy, paranoia, threats, or the perception of threats. The addict needs constant reassurance that the partner will not leave; both want the fantasy to remain intact. Often, the partner is afraid to leave for fear of retribution, or failure.
Maintaining the fantasy that things are good in the relationship is motivated by the fear that that others will realize that things are in fact not OK. Underlying this fear is a great deal of denial and fear of failure. Denial can be most evident when the love addict or codependent says, “Nothing is wrong with me” or “I don’t have a problem”. Often they aren’t aware of their feelings; moreover they are experts when it comes to solving other people’s problems, in order to avoid the pain of facing one’s own.
Loss
These types of relationships bring co-dependency to the forefront. In its simplest form Co-dependency is a one-sided relationship without boundaries. Since boundaries need to be enforced to exist, often the co-dependent cannot risk the rejection of being assertive and enforcing their agenda. The control a co-dependent feels when helping others helps them feel secure. That is part of the addiction for the co-dependent. The perception that they can control the person “with the problem” enables them to ignore their own problems by temporarily boosting feelings of self-esteem and confidence. It’s a “helping disease” where putting others’ problems ahead of ones’ own becomes most important. The greatest form of loss with co-dependency is the loss of self.
How to Write an Intervention Letter
As you may or may not know, an Intervention Letter is one of the most important components of the intervention. It acts as a script for friends or family to keep the intervention on track. No matter what type of intervention you choose, it is the foundation of all things to come.
Although the main purpose of the letter is to ask your loved one to get help and break through denial, there are three main components to the letter. Overall, it should not be more than two pages, and it can be as short as a half-page to two pages. Unless you are ending your message with “We are asking you to commit to getting help today.” avoid speaking for the group, and use “I” statements. This is important for two main reasons: One, to make your message sound clear and powerful, and two, to avoid a blaming or judgmental tone. The tone should never sound angry or recriminating, turning the atmosphere to one of conflict will most certainly derail the intervention.
I will use the term addict for the remainder of these examples, but this term is not meant to sound pejorative. The word addict simply defines a person with compulsivity and a need to continue using the “high” from a person, activity, thing or substance to escape pain. Addiction implies that over time, the involvement with this thing or person has become damaging on a mental and emotional level, and despite these adverse consequences, the addict cannot understand the threat to their own psychological, emotional, and or physical health, and cannot give up the addiction.
Addiction is characterized by loss of control, and loss of many things in the person’s life. Since end of the letter is always a request to seek help now. One way to ask for this is to reframe the loss of the addiction with an emphasis on the return to the relationships with people and things that the addict feels he or she has lost. Reclaiming the self is the greatest gift of recovery, and the beginning of that road is a wish to feel loved, to feel that the true healing of these relationships is possible.
Compassion is the greatest tool you can offer the addict in this moment. The nature of an addiction is so isolating, that there is an enormous fear of never being able to “return home" from an addiction.
With that said, the letter should contain a brief introduction, with a reference to your relationship, and your general feelings of love and respect. Next, the body of the letter is comprised of the nature of your love for the person. This can be expressed as love, gratitude and compassion, and actual examples or stories (memories, shared emotional bonds) that illustrate this sentiment.
We then have to move on to the seriousness of the situation. Restrain yourself from finger pointing and labeling, rather allow yourself to express how you’ve come to see how the attachment to the person or thing is causing significant problems in the addict’s life. Then bring in examples of how their behavior has affected him/her and your relationship with the addict.
The end of the letter will be to ask your loved one to get help, along the lines of “Will you accept our offer to get help now?", to participate in whatever plan or program you have lined up. This offer must be followed up with the consequences of not doing the recommended course of treatment. This is one of the greatest challenges for friends and family. Creating boundaries means enforcing consequences, and that means communication clearly the action that you will take immediately following the intervention.