Signs and Factors of Addictive Relationships
The Partner is seen as the solution, not the problem, even when everyone else – friends and family disagree.
“I felt like I had found my soul mate, and things were idyllic. I felt like he completed me. Eventually, I felt like my partner couldn’t live without me, and I felt necessary to his happiness. I was scared of what would happen if I left.”
Addictive relationships start out as feeling euphoric and ideal. If they were not so initially satisfying, they wouldn’t become so incredibly all consuming. Physiological changes contribute to initial high felt early on in intense relationships. Levels of the chemical Phenylethylamine (PEA) are higher in the brain with the onset of feelings of love and attraction. Some love addicts become dependent on the chemical high of PEA. PEA causes the release of even greater amounts of Dopamine, and Norepinephrine both neurotransmitters are connected to the heightened feelings of infatuation, sexual drive and physiological stimulation and intensity.
Dependency and Denial
Since the addict spends most of their time focused on their perceived connection to the other person, they cannot maintain once important relationships that exist outside of that relationship. This is the isolating nature of addiction and co-dependency. Drama with the partner is mistaken for intensity and intimacy. Addiction is the opposite of reality and true intimacy.
Preoccupation and obsession are displayed through the inability to disconnect from the love object, demonstrated through endless texting, jealousy, paranoia, threats, or the perception of threats. The addict needs constant reassurance that the partner will not leave; both want the fantasy to remain intact. Often, the partner is afraid to leave for fear of retribution, or failure.
Maintaining the fantasy that things are good in the relationship is motivated by the fear that that others will realize that things are in fact not OK. Underlying this fear is a great deal of denial and fear of failure. Denial can be most evident when the love addict or codependent says, “Nothing is wrong with me” or “I don’t have a problem”. Often they aren’t aware of their feelings; moreover they are experts when it comes to solving other people’s problems, in order to avoid the pain of facing one’s own.
Loss
These types of relationships bring co-dependency to the forefront. In its simplest form Co-dependency is a one-sided relationship without boundaries. Since boundaries need to be enforced to exist, often the co-dependent cannot risk the rejection of being assertive and enforcing their agenda. The control a co-dependent feels when helping others helps them feel secure. That is part of the addiction for the co-dependent. The perception that they can control the person “with the problem” enables them to ignore their own problems by temporarily boosting feelings of self-esteem and confidence. It’s a “helping disease” where putting others’ problems ahead of ones’ own becomes most important. The greatest form of loss with co-dependency is the loss of self.